Trying To Remember.

I remember trying to remember you.

I'm trying to remember you because memories are all that's left.

I'm trying so dang hard because I only got 8 years. 

I remember your southern accent telling me that everything was going to be okay. 

I remember dancing with spoons as microphones in the kitchen.

I remember. 

I remember your witch costume on Halloween.  

I remember you. 

I remember you being sad that I wanted to drive with dad instead of you.

I remember watching lifetime movies in your bed even though I was to young to understand them. 

I remember picking cherries from our tree.

I remember the look on your face when I told you I played kissy tag at recess. 

I remember.

I remember the day my little brother was born and I was worried cause I wouldn't be the only one. 

I remember coming home with a broken arm and you crying harder than me.

I remember asking you if you were the tooth fairy. 

I remember you planting flowers. 

I remember your smile.

I remember you told ME to smile cause I didn't want to go to kindergarten.

I remember you singing me to bed. 

I remember your gross healthy drinks you had to drink.

I remember trying one of them.

I remember you buying my friends a gumball.

I remember asking dad why you had to stay in bed forever.

I remember.

I remember.

I remember coming home one day and you weren't in bed anymore.

And I'm trying SO hard to remember these things because it was so long ago. 

And I'm sorry Nelson it wasn't a very happy post. 

But I needed to try to remember. 

Don't Delete Chain Mail

One time when I was 13 I got an email that said send to 20 people and do NOT delete or else you will have bad luck the rest of your life and you shall DIE! 

I deleted it. 

And I'm starting to think that email changed the past few years of my life.

And I m starting to think that it changed a lot considering this is my THIRD time writing this stupid prompt because I accidentally clicked cut instead of copy. 

Bad luck. 

And I'm starting to think all of this because how else do you explain it?

How else do you explain all of this.

All of the inconvenient timing of things and the accidents. 

How else do you explain that I was out of town for the only Killers concert they will have in Utah before I leave. 

Or how about that every time I go to the fridge to get milk for my cereal it's enough for a fly. 

Or if I just gave that guy a chance last year when he liked me I wouldn't pulling my hair out now cause he got a girlfriend and I like him. 

Or if I was just there on that day at that time I could have stopped my own heart from breaking. 

If I just told him the simple word no. 

Or if I just ran outside a minute earlier to hug my dad for the last time.

If I just fastened my seat belt at the age 8.

If the cancer could have waited just one more week.  

If I just if I just if I just

What if what if what if

Or if or if or if 

If i was just there on that day at that time I could have stopped my own heart from breaking.

But. 

Out of all of those unfortunate events something good came out of it. 

I didn't die. So the email was very wrong.

Beautiful as it seems

Some things seem beautiful. 

And then its swept away. 

Literally. The chair is in the ocean now. 

To go along with the post below.

How to Stay Single

Heres the thing staying single is not as easy as it looks, it really takes some skill. So let me share my knowledge with you.

First off. Don't get ready for the day! It really does work. Just result to that comfortable aeropostale sweatshirt of yours and you do not even have to stress about boys coming your way. Oh and something to really throw those boys off.. Who needs deoderant anyways? Forget it. The stench is real.

Second. Tell your crush that you like him! Obviously hard to get is the thing to do now so.. DONT DO IT.

Third.  Eat as much as you can. All the time! Bring your food to the commons and just eat. East like your life depends on it.

Because it does.

Oh. If you reallllllly want to stay single eat nachos. Nachos is the best food. Especially the ones from Harts. And don't bring napkins.

Fourth. Try tripping over everything. Like maybe put a pair of shoes right in front of your face JUST to make yourself look like your the most coordinated person in the room. BAM single right there.

Fifth.Be really nice to them because who likes nice girls anyways? Cough Cough.

Sixth of all. The most IMPORTANT step. Tell really really stupid jokes! And just to top the cake laugh at them every single time you tell them.

THE END. YOUR SINGLE FOR LIFE.

This made me laugh.

Use these arguing techniques next time you fight with someone.

I Hate Cancer.

Hey Dad guess what we had our little Halloween dinner last night. 

The memory of us around the kitchen table 6 years ago went through my mind as I sat and watched mom make us our dinner without you once again. Why why why.

I wish that wasn't our last Halloween dinner.

Moms boyfriend is a real tool. But you probably already know that. I wish I could see how angry you get every time he makes her sad. Because if I get pissed about it then I can't even imagine how mad you are. 

She cries a lot dad. She cries when us kids are at work or when we go to bed. It breaks my heart. 

I wish that you could be here for the dances I go to. I went to homecoming with my best friend and don't you worry he did not try to kiss me that would have been gross. I bet you made him ask me so nothing would happen.. smart move. 

I have amazing friends dad. You would absolutely love them and they would have loved you. I talk about you all the time to them so I can pretend like you are here in a way. It works sometimes. 

The worst day of the year is coming up dad. And its the day you left this earth. I just ask one thing. Please help me know you are happy. Because if you are happy I can find it in me to be happy on that day. 

Oh and dad. I love you.

Reasons why I am not carving pumpkins with my family right now.

Well. 

- The way my mom tries to impress her boyfriend is really annoying. (Mom your not funny) 

-My moms boyfriend is trying WAY too hard to make a good carving and I don't know why that bugs me so bad.

- I've already carved a pumpkin this year and I can't think of anything creative to impress people with. 

-I just want to read. 

-I want to hangout with my boyfriend. (He doesn't know we are together yet)

-now my mom is glaring at me to come over because I'm not participating in "family time." 

-to bad mom. I'm writing a blog post for homework... And it's basically about how annoying you are. HA HA 

-Mom stop trying to make me like your boyfriend I want to punch him right in the nose. 

-***** why aren't you texting me back..... 

-okay now I'm going to go try to hide until I get yelled at in the morning for not wanting to be with the family. Stupid pumpkins. 

Future= What the crap?

 No but really. I can't even think about what I'm going to do with my life because the way I think of my future is warped from reading all these AMAZING books that just make my future look like it's gonna play out exactly the way I want it to. But who knows how your future is gonna play out. My dreams are something I think about all the time. I think about my friends dreams all the time also. I want them to be happy and I worry about their safety. But who doesn't worry?

Green eyed monsters on the shore
Playing hand in hand
I'd love to give them all they need
and leave them dancing hand in hand
I'm going away
I'm going away
Where the wind beats heavy on the sand
Do you want to come with?

Silly green eyed monsters on the shore
playing holding hands
I'd love to give them what they really need
and leave them all dancing hand in hand
I'm going away
I'm going away
Where the wind beats heavy on the sand
Do you want to come with?

That Feeling

If I could pick one word that resembles death to me it would be familiar.

Thinking about how to write this blog post is not easy at all, there are way to many things I want/need to say but I can't put everything into this one blog post. I hope it all makes sense.

Death is something that can make you stronger. Or weaker if that's what you choose. If it's a death of a relationship, a death of a family member, or just a death of something that you care about you have two roads to choose from and a lot of the time that scared part of you is going to choose the easy way out of the pain. And the easy way is not always the right way.

Believe me.
It hurts to lose someone you love.
It hurts alot.

But you can make yourself a stronger person. If that's what you decide to do with the pain.

Scary stuff

I'm scared of people not liking me. Like REALLY not liking me. Like the kind of not liking that causes gossip and rumors. I don't think I could handle that.

I'm scared of losing someone close to me. I think I might just snap if that happens again. 

I'm scared of giant reptiles. Why are they even alive I even don't know I think we should kill all of them. 

I'm scared of losing someone's trust. I like the freedom I have. 

I'm scared of the future. It hurts my head to think that I could be married in the next 5 years. 

 I'm scared of boys. They make me lose sleep at night. (Okay not really but they are scary.)

Why are we all so afraid? Because society is scary.

Honestly one of the strangest music videos I have ever watched. But one of my favorite songs.. If anyone wants to try and explain what this video means please do.

Bricks Are Friends Not Food

Concrete is something I am not close with. It's not something I talk to every day because I forgot whats its like to have a concrete view of things. Concrete is something I miss. Bricks are concrete.

Lets go back in time to where things were stable and normal and just like bricks.

To be honest it would take me a while to get me back there because I cant remember the exact time I felt like a brick.

Maybe its a good thing? Maybe it's a bad thing. Or just a mix of things. Just things.

 I remember a day I felt concrete. What a great day.

Okay bye now I am going back to that day.

yep.yep.yep

Thinking about love... you can't go wrong with this movie.

Chocolate Mess

Its simple. Love is really good. But it can also be bad. 

When you walk in the store are you the person who is looking for the chocolate? or you saw it at the check out counter and decided to try it because it looked good. Then when your walking out the door do you eat it right then or wait until you get home because your still deciding if the chocolate is the right thing for you at that time. Then once you eat it does it taste perfect or does it taste bitter cause you just had gum in your mouth? So many choices and ways you can eat this chocolate bar. 

Love is a mess. But its a beautiful one. 

The 3 things that make my life easier.

• 1. My wonderful friends. As the great and amazing cookie monster puts it:
  
  “Sometimes me think, What is friend? and then me say, Friend is someone to share the last cookie with” 
  My friends are amazing. Helping me on the daily. 
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  2. Food. I'm not lying when I say this but food is the thing in this world that makes me happy without fail EVERY SINGLE DAY! It's sad but true.
  

  
  
  
  
  
   3. Religion. Long story short I have no idea where I would be without it. I love it.
     

The Black Crayon.

   Growing up was.. well, I don't remember actually "growing up" I just remember I had to grow up fast. Childhood memories come and go in my head but usually its just the memory of the "reason" I had to grow up so fast. I don't need to share that reason all you need to know is that if you have a childhood with a lot of great memories cherish them. Re live them as much as you can and laugh.  Just laugh. The color black comes to mind when I think of my child years. And don't start thinking oh no another depressed person because that's not who I am and because the color black can resemble plenty of things. Stereotypically it means goth, depressed, no emotion, sadness, etc. But those are not the feelings I had growing up even though I probably should have. What the color black really means is: The color of the hidden, the secretive and the unknown, creating an air of mystery. It keeps things bottled up inside, hidden from the world. Don't get me wrong me as a child was still a happy kid but the other half I didn't/don't show a lot of people is that definition. I think that everyone can be a black crayon sometimes.

Being better in life and stuff. I AM here.

Are you really here? Do you go throughout your day the same exact way you went yesterday? Do you ask yourself too many questions like I am doing right now? The thing is being "here" is not just physically standing in the commons when someone is being bullied. Its actually being there. And you can guess what I mean.. but we all know everyones definition of being here is completely different. I want you to really think about what being "here" means. I cant tell you how to live your life and you can certainly not tell me how to live mine. Really be there. Make a difference in someones life. Because that someone might never get the chance to have their life changed if you don't just do something. Peace.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."

Intro

 I wonder what your life is like. And maybe your wondering how my life is. But probably not cause who really cares about others these days? In 10 years everyone is going to be married, in debt, or maybe stuck just in their high school glory days wishing they could go back. But not me. I'm ready to take on the world. So cheers to the now. And cheers to whoever you are in 10 years. Goodluck.