I Hate Cancer.

Hey Dad guess what we had our little Halloween dinner last night. 

The memory of us around the kitchen table 6 years ago went through my mind as I sat and watched mom make us our dinner without you once again. Why why why.

I wish that wasn't our last Halloween dinner.

Moms boyfriend is a real tool. But you probably already know that. I wish I could see how angry you get every time he makes her sad. Because if I get pissed about it then I can't even imagine how mad you are. 

She cries a lot dad. She cries when us kids are at work or when we go to bed. It breaks my heart. 

I wish that you could be here for the dances I go to. I went to homecoming with my best friend and don't you worry he did not try to kiss me that would have been gross. I bet you made him ask me so nothing would happen.. smart move. 

I have amazing friends dad. You would absolutely love them and they would have loved you. I talk about you all the time to them so I can pretend like you are here in a way. It works sometimes. 

The worst day of the year is coming up dad. And its the day you left this earth. I just ask one thing. Please help me know you are happy. Because if you are happy I can find it in me to be happy on that day. 

Oh and dad. I love you.

Reasons why I am not carving pumpkins with my family right now.

Well. 

- The way my mom tries to impress her boyfriend is really annoying. (Mom your not funny) 

-My moms boyfriend is trying WAY too hard to make a good carving and I don't know why that bugs me so bad.

- I've already carved a pumpkin this year and I can't think of anything creative to impress people with. 

-I just want to read. 

-I want to hangout with my boyfriend. (He doesn't know we are together yet)

-now my mom is glaring at me to come over because I'm not participating in "family time." 

-to bad mom. I'm writing a blog post for homework... And it's basically about how annoying you are. HA HA 

-Mom stop trying to make me like your boyfriend I want to punch him right in the nose. 

-***** why aren't you texting me back..... 

-okay now I'm going to go try to hide until I get yelled at in the morning for not wanting to be with the family. Stupid pumpkins. 

Future= What the crap?

 No but really. I can't even think about what I'm going to do with my life because the way I think of my future is warped from reading all these AMAZING books that just make my future look like it's gonna play out exactly the way I want it to. But who knows how your future is gonna play out. My dreams are something I think about all the time. I think about my friends dreams all the time also. I want them to be happy and I worry about their safety. But who doesn't worry?

Green eyed monsters on the shore
Playing hand in hand
I'd love to give them all they need
and leave them dancing hand in hand
I'm going away
I'm going away
Where the wind beats heavy on the sand
Do you want to come with?

Silly green eyed monsters on the shore
playing holding hands
I'd love to give them what they really need
and leave them all dancing hand in hand
I'm going away
I'm going away
Where the wind beats heavy on the sand
Do you want to come with?

That Feeling

If I could pick one word that resembles death to me it would be familiar.

Thinking about how to write this blog post is not easy at all, there are way to many things I want/need to say but I can't put everything into this one blog post. I hope it all makes sense.

Death is something that can make you stronger. Or weaker if that's what you choose. If it's a death of a relationship, a death of a family member, or just a death of something that you care about you have two roads to choose from and a lot of the time that scared part of you is going to choose the easy way out of the pain. And the easy way is not always the right way.

Believe me.
It hurts to lose someone you love.
It hurts alot.

But you can make yourself a stronger person. If that's what you decide to do with the pain.